@wornwhite

Lots of people have stories about their journey knowing Esme Barrera, because she knew everyone and was the very best. I think writing and sharing helps some through such a terrible time. And for others, they have a private journey. This is just my story. Part journey, part grief, part guilt. 

When I was 19, I joined the Weezer messageboard. I had no idea how to use the Internet, and probably had dial-up. It was 2000 and that is where I met Esme Barrera. Esme and I became online boardie friends, eventually upgrading to AIM friends, which was a big deal at the time. Two years-ish later, I decided to take a road trip to meet my Weezer boardies friends across the land. So in 2002, I met Miss Esme IRL, as they say. I had planned on staying in El Paso for one night, but after meeting Esme and driving up El Paso’s scenic drive, I stayed for a week. We ate ninja turtle ice creams, listened to Wilco, sat on rooftops and listened to Coldplay’s Parachutes and climbed trees. I met her great friends, her loving family, and we hung out at Dolce Vita. I fell absolutely in love with El Paso and her.

I visited her I think 5 times in El Paso, sometimes on the way to somewhere else, and sometimes as the final destination. We met in Los Angeles once with her best friend and had a picnic on the beach and ate Balboa bars. (She also came to Vegas once to visit us with our friend Teddy.) We shared letters and tapes and AIM messages and we were, what I would consider, very close. In 2006, I moved to Austin and she already lived here. We would have dinners at each others houses, and dance at a show every now and then.

In 2002, when I visited her in El Paso that first time, Esme encouraged me to go meet a dude from the board who would later turn out to be my boyfriend for 6ish years. A lot of the events of my life revolve around what happened in this relationship and the Weezer board. When we broke up in 2008, I was a mess. I didn’t know how to manage people that were friends with both of us and I just pushed them all away. Esme was one of those people. I searched my email and I found a message I sent her in 2009 apologizing for my behavior. She of course understood and she forgave me. My ex said they actually talked about this and she told him she still cared about me. She had a very huge huge heart.

We still didn’t really continue to hang out, but I saw her at SXSW in 2011 and really sat down and said my piece. She, again, said she forgave me and that we could be friends. After that, I would see her around and give her hugs. I told her in November on her FB wall that Jesus, etc by Wilco would always remind me of her and scenic drive. I’m glad I posted those words. I’m glad I apologized. It doesn’t take away the fact that I could have had a close relationship with a person that did love me, that loved everyone and I messed that up. I’m very obviously feeling 1,000 tons of guilt, but I expect this is a part of the process they call grief.

I am so very very grateful that a good portion of my 20s, my growing years, were spent knowing this person and receiving the great gift that was herself. I hope she knows that I love her very much. I miss her terribly and missed her before this even happened.

People have been saying it all over the Internet, but life was honestly just better knowing a person like Esme was in it. She is a beautiful light. The only things I can see in my head when I close my eyes are her dancing feet and gigantic smile. That was her.

This will always be her:

I miss and love you Miss Esme. And I will continue to do so for the rest of my life.